I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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