Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You can't just leave with hair like that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
