he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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