Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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