I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She's the barista slut.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
