hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
