Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
