dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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