is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
