You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
