my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry about my life...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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