I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
