can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
as a side note pls kill me
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