You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
