listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
