I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
