I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
