Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
