hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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