his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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