You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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