I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
