the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
