Soap is not a condiment
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
