he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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