had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
