she kept yelling 'call me bella'
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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