Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
