My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Boobs are out for the taking
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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