our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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