I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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