im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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