Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
