i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
