im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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