I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
