hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
