you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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