What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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