You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
