Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
