jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
