The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
