I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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