Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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