your parents love me but you hate me
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
