We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
