in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
