i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
