You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Panties = found
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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